Cigaro
by DerangedQ
Summary: Sanji and Zoro compare sizes based on the song by system of a down MM


"ZORO! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" The swordsman opened an eye; he was started out of a sound nap on the deck by who else but Sanji. What did that blasted cook want this time? Did Zoro accidentally eat a special carrot or something? Nonsense…Zoro hated carrots.

"What do you want?" He asked sleepily, as the blond chef stomped onto the deck, holding a dark green bottle in his hand. The sun was setting behind him and he looked like a large shadow from the lighting. The bottle in his hand was completely empty.

"You drank the last of my cooking wine!" Sanji waved the bottle in the air a little. "Do you have any _idea_ how long it will be until I can get a new bottle!"

Zoro yawned and flipped onto his side, away from Sanji. "You can compensate." He said dismissingly.

"What? Compensate, like you and your swords?"

"And just what do you mean by that?" Zoro turned back around, growling dangerously.

"I mean that those three, long swords must be making up for something." Sanji grinned slightly. "I think it's obvious what I'm talking about."

"I think it's obvious that I don't care." He flipped back around, thoroughly pissed.

"What? You don't care that my cock's much, much, _much_ bigger than yours?"

Something in Zoro snapped then, like somebody stepped on his sanity and crushed it into the ground, grinding it into a fine dust to be taken away by the wind and land in some unsuspecting person's eye.

"Your cock is _not_ bigger than mine." The green haired swordsman glared up at the cook, and then stood up, almost twitching. Oh, damn that cocky grin of his! (No pun intended)

"Oh, but I think it is, if it wasn't then why would you need three swords of a rather considerable length?" Sanji had the warrior and Zoro knew it.

"We'll see about you being bigger than me."

"And just what do you mean by that?"

"We're gonna compare of course." Zoro grinned, "Or are you scared?"

"What! Accusing me of being scared?" He looked around the deck; everyone was under, napping or looking for snacks, or fabricating god knows what sort of explosive and blowing off their face. Sanji whipped down his fly and dropped his pants; revealing boxers covered in forks, knives and spoons. "I think not!."

Zoro's grin widened and he dropped his pants as well; clearly commando (how presumptuous). Sanji pulled down his undergarments and they look down at each other, Sanji holding his shirt and jacket up to provide easier view and Zoro doing the same with his cummerbund.

"I can't tell." Zoro said, scrutinizing Sanji's length. "We'll have to put them side by side." Sanji nodded, trying to steel his will as their bodies grew closer together. Closer still, and closer. Until he felt himself shiver as his length made contact with Zoro's.

"….they're the same size." Zoro said, looking down. "There's absolutely no _way_ that I'm the same size as _you_."

"Well you know, guys tend to get longer when they're…how can I put this in language _you_ would understand? Horny? Randy? Boning it?"

"You mean we have to get…"

Sanji nodded, he could tell Zoro was nervous, hell, his heart beat directly against his ribcage at the thought of comparing hard-ons with Zoro.

Zoro raised and eyebrow and knit his eyebrows together in a look of such fierce determination that it made Sanji grin. The veins popped out of his neck and temple and Sanji could feel himself grow firm, there was something about the swordsman trying to get himself hard like that. He was obviously a virgin-not that Sanji was anymore experienced-and knew nothing about what it took to get it really "up there".

Zoro took a breath and his features relaxed, he took the chance to look down at himself; no response.

Hmm… meathead.

Sanji rolled his eyes and fell onto his knees, tongue caressing Zoro's member.

"W-what are you…." Zoro's words collapsed into a moan as Sanji took his head into his mouth, swirling that wonderful tongue around the tip and sucking the shaft further in, before pushing it back out. Zoro put a hand on the mast (which he had been sleeping under) and the other he nestled in Sanji's hair. He'd thought about this sort of thing before, he'd fantasized, but he could never dream, no. He was supposed to hate the love cook, he was supposed to…

Sanji pulled his head away and stood up, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. "Well then, that got you up. You can't even make yourself hard." Sanji shook his head. "Idiot swordsman." Although he wouldn't admit it, Sanji rather enjoyed the idea of sucking Zoro off, to hear the swordsman cry his name and to drink down his essence… all those little Zoro's swimming down his throat before burning up in the acids of his stomach.

Little Zoro screams erupting in bubbles of burning acid.

"Let's just get this over with." Zoro said, obviously confused and a little breathless. He pushed his hips forward and once again they came in contact. Sanji had to hold back a moan, he was really hard now, oh, how he wanted to go down on that swords man right now.

"…I still can't tell." Zoro said blankly after a moment. Sanji rolled his eyes and pulled Zoro closer by his hips. He had to hold back another moan as the tip of his member hit the skin and hair around Zoro's…but he felt Zoro's hit him there too.

They were the same size.

They were the same fucking size.

The love cook was the same size as Zoro, _the love cook_.

That idiot swordsmen was the same size as Sanji, _that moronic meathead_.

"This can't be right, my _cock_ is my_ cock_. _MY_ cock, _mine_. The cock of me! Sanji the LOVE COOK! I cannot be the same size as…as…."

"_ME_? Why not me why aren't I bigger! I TRAIN! I TRAIN EVERYDAY! I don't sit back and cook! I MOVE DAMMIT!"

Both found themselves screaming to the sky, same size…same size…

"Wait! One of us has to be thicker than the other!" Sanji said, wrapping a hand around Zoro. Resulting in a moan that surprised them both.

Zoro covered his mouth in embarrassment and Sanji stared at him. The swordsman inwardly cursed himself for that one moment of weakness. _One fucking moment_ and now the love cook would know about it, he'd know.

Sanji moved his hand to Zoro's base, the younger man moaned again. Sanji grinned and ran his hand from the base to the tip and back again, the next cry from Zoro was more delicious than anything Sanji could ever cook in the kitchen. So, he did it again. And once more, the movement in his hand and wrist faster the next time.

Sanji cried out in surprise as he felt a heated palm grab his own member and start stroking it in the same manner. The two matched their rhythms, Sanji leaned against Zoro's shoulder for support, moaning loudly. Zoro nibbled at the blonds earlobe and ran his tongue along the shell of cartilage.

Meanwhile, below deck

Nami lay on her bed, writing on a piece of paper and trying to fully concoct her plan to steal Zoro and Sanji's hammocks. But hark? What is that sound? Sanji must be masturbating on deck or something, more than likely about Robin or herself…or Robin _and_ herself. Nami couldn't help but get angry, until…

Was that Zoro moaning too? Why yes, that was the voice of the green-haired warrior but… why? Why were they moaning at the same time, in what sounded like the same proximity? They couldn't be…could they?

Nami went to investigate, going out of her room and climbing the stairs to the porthole in the door that lead to the deck. And surely enough; there they were. Hands moving in perfect unison, tongues tied in a battle for dominance at this point. Nami grinned.

Here was her plan for the hammocks.

Quickly, she took her small camera from her lacy, black bra and began snapping pictures before running back down the hall to develop them in a small closet in her room; her darkroom. There were blackmail pictures all over the walls of that room. This is exactly why Nami gets whatever she wants.

and back with the lovebirds

Zoro broke the needy kiss they'd been sharing, panting. "Sanji, Sanji I don't know wha… aaah…" Zoro moaned again, before screaming as he reached climax when Sanji's other hand went to help his first. Sanji soon came after, with a satisfied moan of his own.

"You…you came first." Sanji panted, leaning against Zoro, who sank down to the floor, taking Sanji with him.

"I won then, right?" Sanji couldn't help but laugh.

"This was about endurance, you lost."

"Damn…love cook."

Sanji smiled and pulled his clothes back on, making sure Zoro did the same before he fell asleep again.

Now Sanji had to figure out how to replace that wine for dinner. He started heading down to the kitchen, but turned back to look at Zoro, he was rolled up in a ball at the foot of the mast. He looked almost…cuddly.

The crew can feed themselves for tonight, sleeping next to the swordsman looked too good to pass up.

Once again, below desk

Namie couldn't help but laugh maniacally, she had the hammocks! The hammocks! And now… they were together, next to each other, spread across her room.

They were indeed a _SUPER HAMMOCK_!

And neither Zoro or Sanji could do anything, she had the pictures that would kill them.


End file.
